Scandal
by KamikazeCreamPuff
Summary: Five Times Hatter Got Arrested.


**

**1.**

The first time Hatter got arrested, he was just a kid.

Living on the lower levels was rough on children. Nobody had any desire to learn about or experience much of anything that wasn't sucked out of an Oyster -- work, food, reading to your kids, all of it just presented a distraction. The rules of social etiquette were simple: unless you were carrying a bottle of Tea, no one wanted to even look at you.

He ran a small hustle outside of a deli, across the street from a Teashop. It wasn't much -- card games, a bead under a bowl, guessing peoples' weight, all the easy stuff people are easy to trick at – but it was enough to feed him most nights. He had a single vial of Calm he used as incentive, drawing people in with the allure of earning it, but no one had ever yet won it… and anyways, it was really just colored water in an empty vial.

Well, one day, he hustled a man who, upon losing, made a sour face and demanded to see the Tea. Hatter refused, of course, but he unconsciously shifted his hand as he did so just an inch more toward his pocket. The man grabbed, and, being much bigger than Hatter at the time, wrestled the vial away and drank it.

"This isn't Calm!" he'd roared. Turns out, he wasn't just any ordinary man on the lower levels. He was a Suit, and no matter how Hatter stammered out his ignorance, he was handcuffed and taken away for counterfeiting Tea. He served for three months.

That was how, at a very early age, Hatter learned that good things only came to those who talked fast and thought faster.

**2.**

The second time he got arrested, it was because of a girl.

Her name was Mary Ann. She had brown hair and curves that wouldn't quit, and she tended the bar Hatter frequented as a teen. The first time he walked in and saw her behind the bar, he walked right up to her and ordered a double shot of Lusty Laquiri with his most charming grin and a tip of his hat. He kept ordering drinks to get her to stay on his side of the bar, talking about anything and everything that popped into his head (which became less and less suave as the shots continued). Eventually, he just passed out right there on his bar stool, and Mary Ann called the Suits to take him in for the night.

Hatter woke up the next morning in lockdown, his head pounding, mouth dry, and more embarrassed than he'd been in a long time. He vowed then and there to never again get arrested because of a woman.

(The next time he walked into the bar, Mary Ann saw him and smiled, and they'd had a good laugh. That same night, she gave him her number.)

**3.**

The third time he got arrested, it was a complete misunderstanding.

"_Indecency charges!?_" he howled, disbelieving. "How is that possible, I'm right inside my own _shop_!"

"Unfortunately, five feet in the wrong direction, sir," the Club told him as he slapped handcuffs on Hatter's wrists. "You were in plain view of poor Mrs. Pidgeon over there."

Hatter scowled in the direction of Mrs. Pidgeon, who busied herself pretending to water her Dorfleberry bush.

A week later, when he got out of jail, he waited until Mrs. Pidgeon was gone and wandered over to her porch. _Public indecency, huh?_ he thought, carefully "watering" her Dorfleberry bush himself. _I'll show you what's what._

**4. **

The fourth time he got arrested, it was on purpose.

Dodo had offered Hatter a princely sum in exchange for busting one of their informants out of the Queen's prison. Hatter was the obvious choice, as he reminded the Dodo while haggling for a bigger cut. He had connections all over the Queen's guard, he was the Resistance's best chance for getting in and out of there without arousing suspicion. And Hatter thought that maybe this time, this act, would finally be enough to move him up in the organization. They would see his value as a spy, and he could finally make a difference. Do something important, not waste away on the sidelines. Clean cups, he thought.

The plan was simple: Get arrested for something minor, like missing a payment for his Tea. Once at the prison, assure the interrogators that it was just a misunderstanding, I've got your Tea right here, and look, here's some extra to make up for your trouble. Slip some clear Forgetfulness in the bottle for (also clear) Satisfaction. While the guards are out of it, slip off one of their key rings and set free the Resistance fighter before making your own escape. Easy as lemons.

Yet four days later he was no higher in the Resistance, but right back where he started: alone, in his Teashop, and adding insult to injury, _someone_ had walked all over his grass.

**5.**

The fifth time he got arrested, it was for a girl again.

This girl was not his usual type. She was short, for one thing, with no curves to speak of. Her skin was pale, her face heart-shaped and expressions subtle. She had black hair and blue eyes, and goddammit, she didn't listen to a _thing_ he said.

The funny thing was, he never even thought about it – at the time, his world had been tossed so far sideways that the only thing he could trust was his instincts (and he wasn't even so sure about _that_ any more). He _knew_ he would probably get arrested for this, and if he did, the repercussions would be much worse than just jail time. Simple incarceration wasn't really Mad March's style. Getting caught by him presented the quite likely possibility of both mental and physical torture for hours, maybe even _days_ on end.

Hatter _knew_ this, deep in his bones. He just didn't _care_ anymore. The only important thing in the whole world right now was the stupid, short spitfire being carried away by Suits to face Mad March, the Red Queen, and who knows what else. So he climbed his horse, picked up his sword, and charged ahead.

That was how, despite the vow he had made to himself long ago, once more he let a girl get him arrested.

And it was the only time that it was really worth it.

**


End file.
